He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
