She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
