I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
