I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
