yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
