As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
