So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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