I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
