I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
