Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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