Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
