Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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