when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Randomize
