she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
