omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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