These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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