im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
