I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So much Jack, so little girl.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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