he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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