She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
