my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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