4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How does one acquire holy water?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
