I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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