So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
