Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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