He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
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College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
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If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.