Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
