I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
