dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
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