Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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