Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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