I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
