this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
