I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
