i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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