i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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