He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize