theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
The air taste purple.
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