He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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