I drank myself into bisexuality again.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
