no one should ever give us hovercrafts
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
