Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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