Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
