Sorry, I don't speak sober.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
