tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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