I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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