Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
PANTIES FOUND
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