mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
