Life is so much better after having sex.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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