He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
