I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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