I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
