I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
