Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
