so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
